Realities-Untold

2011-01-17T00:28:00.003+08:00

I guess one of the things that has hit me hard this year is the fact that I'm turning 20.

I have yet to do any of the things I have decided to do. Perhaps one of the earliest things I set out to accomplish but have been set back so many times would be photography. It's so far in the back burner that I've given up on getting a camera altogether. Time would be the biggest concern as well. My lack of actively looking out for angles has also contributed greatly to this.

I'm turning 20. One of the things I regret would be getting that pair of skinnies from Giodarno(did I spell that right? I don't think so). Seems like I'm not sliding into that pair of denims again. Don't really like it. On the other hand my other pair of jeans is getting all my attention.

I'm not running anymore. I'm turning 20 with a belly to boot. I shall not complain, because this is down to my own discipline. In that department, I'm severely in arrears.

Business Accounting 2 is going to be the main force that will set me back this semester. It's hard to grasp at the fact that the second year in polytechnic is coming to a close in about 5 weeks or so. Not something that I've been grappling well with. The dreams that anchored in my head have all seem to become just speech bubbles that no one else can see.

Regrets of not taking up a science course or going to JC, feels like it's unnecessary now. Just like a spare tyre that never gets used. Doesn't feel like it's going to push me any harder. Right now, I feel like I want to get into the field of practice. I want to be out there.

It feels surreal to wake up every morning and find out that I'm turning 20 this year. I'm turning 20 and I haven't done anything a wee bit meaningful for myself. The biggest achievement I'm actually trying to convince myself is an achievement was sitting on that plane that touched down in Cambodia 2 years ago. That's pathetic.

I'm turning 20. I find myself not wanting to wear the facade that I used to carry with me. I feel old. Yet in the eyes of others, I'm young with plenty of things to experience ahead of me.

I'm turning 20. In the blink of an eye, I'll be 21. So on so forth.

I can't wait.

To get through NS.

To get through University if I ever do go in that direction.

To get over this phase I'm going through now.

To get over this hectic little thing called Life.

Because I want to soak up everything along this wonderful journey called, Life.

This only hit me when I'm turning 20. Kind of late.

So farewell, and so long.

2010-12-25T14:42:00.002+08:00

Do you for one moment think that, walking around, spending time with each other is simply something we do after school? And that is boring?

Sure, walking around is boring. That's when we don't have time.

Even if we had the time, we'd still be walking around. Or going to my place.

Is it my fault that I have an obligation to my uncle? To fulfill that, I work at his place.

I didn't ask for this independence that was forced upon me when I grew the age of 14. I didn't ask for it. Most would want it. But after a while, you lose out on a lot of things that others have. Social life.

Personally, I don't think it's fair to me. That I don't really have money, or have time for myself. I don't think it's fair to my girlfriend that I don't have time nor money for her either. I didn't ask for this.

I'm not the type to crawl to my mother and ask for money. Never will I be like that.

I refuse to ask or let myself depend on others. I hate that feeling. I love this feeling of being financially independent. Speaking from a vantage point which I've stood at for 5 years and running, this vista is beautiful, and I don't want to let go of it. It's the sweetest picture there is and I know it's going to get better.

That's how I would describe as being financially independent.

Maybe I shouldn't make plans as to what I want us to do. That'd just give you expectations. Not making plans shows that I'm not exactly competent.

But because of circumstances that happen along the way. I cannot continue with those plans. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot.

Some people, just don't understand that. I can't take that.

I can't take people coming to me and tell me, "we said we'd do this on that other day, but we didn't."

Did you try looking at my current situation and see why I couldn't have us carry that out that other day? I would love to salvage my current situation, but I'm not allowed to. It's ironic, I know, but I can't. It simply isn't within my control.

But yes, I'm not going to work next month. Then I would have time to spend with someone next month on the weekends. With that, I would also have money I earned this month to spend next month. But after removing whatever amount I have to cover for this month. I don't think I have a lot of spend anyway.

But why the hell not right? To drive a fucking point to someone. Why not. Worth suffering for about 2 months anyway, from February onwards.

2010-11-09T22:12:00.003+08:00

On a brighter note, those earphones sound really really really good to me. It's crisp, less held back, it has a sense of.. "freedom" to it. Not as restrained for the lack of a better word. Clear, better staging, I love almost every bit of it.

The earphones itself feel lighter too. Comfort, I guess I'll have to let it sit around for awhile. That was just mid range, I wonder what that extra 30 dollars will get for me. Lesser sibilance? Better highs? Lows that feel solid? More range? More depth? I can't get the feel of the sound out of my head. It's just natural. It feels right. I love the signature of it.

The EX500 is good. But for the same price, there's something better. Top up another 9 dollars...and there's the high end one I haven't tried. It's so tempting. So so tempting.

2010-10-23T22:49:00.001+08:00

Sudden distance I feel. Maybe things have been adjusted before either of us knew it.

2010-10-15T17:55:00.001+08:00

Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

2010-10-14T23:10:00.003+08:00

Where do I begin?

I too, have grown accustomed to your presence. It's warm, comforting, and perhaps if this were in a time where gender inequality was prominent-a great sense of security.

Then again, most likely too accustomed. Enough to be beyond a point where it's more than just a comfort zone. Your absence will draw forth a void in my life that cannot be filled by someone else. As which someone else has done. I dare not say that this void left behind has been filled. However, I will say and point out that the void has done it's damage, and it's been forsaken for the purposes of greater goodness in my journey in this world. Having another sudden, quick implosion would simply not do anyone any good.

While some would say that the solution would be to not let this blessing of mine slip from my grasp. I would have to say that, I'm truly self-destructive. Time and time again, it was simply a nudge and most would have been lost. Too much would have been in shambles, and time I would say is no longer abundant. Despite being what most would call young, I think I've reached a point where I know that time cannot be bought. Do please try not to misunderstand. I'm not mature enough. I simply perceive the value of time, differently from what others would.

Who would wish that they spent two years of their lives trying to reach a synergy with someone else, only to realise at the end of it all that the effort required is too demanding. So much that giving up would be more economical than to continue. Perhaps the law of diminishing return has its chains reach here, the shores of relationships too?

Definitely it's been one too many times, I've let my temperamental self get the better side of me. I've only myself to blame. Sometimes I let myself focus on something else that other things simply become an irritant. Other times it can be a simple lack of sleep that becomes a blade against my favour.

However, I am truly apologetic that my lack of sleep has gripped my senses more firmly than my mind can. While others might see it as an excuse that the lack of sleep should be the lame reason to carry my emotions. Is it not the human nature to be a little more sensitive when one has a lack of rest? Even medical doctors recognise this little side effect.

I guess it's a matter of having that little bit of control and sensibility before saying something. Maybe it makes us more human to have that extra bit.

Isn't it human too to be unable to have that control?

Maybe if we can't accept that. Maybe we need a paradigm shift in the relationship. A major, drastic shift where the distance between us, should be readjusted.

2010-10-13T22:04:00.002+08:00

I'm exhausted. Goodness.

Going to flash my phone. This sucks. If only I knew of the damn problem earlier. I wouldn't have to go through so much trouble to get it back to stock firmware. Bloody hell. It'll be seriously fucked up if I brick the damn thing. Oh well..this is crap.

It's just been so crappy. Sigh.

2010-09-30T23:46:00.001+08:00

All misunderstandings cleared :D

2010-09-28T23:11:00.002+08:00

Sucks to know that your own girlfriend doesn't trust you on handling a part of your life in which you paid for a lesson with a fucking hefty price that you can't afford to pay for a second time.

Just fucking wonderbar. Fantastic. Fabulous. Awesome. Just WOW!

World's best feeling to know that you went through hell once. Don't want to go through it again.

But your own girlfriend doesn't trust that you WON'T GO THROUGH IT AGAIN!

2010-09-23T15:08:00.001+08:00

False hopes and forced feedings.

2010-09-21T23:08:00.002+08:00

I swear to Hell I repeated for 5 minutes in my head: "Shut the fuck up and get out of my room. I had enough of your shit. I only asked for "what's that insurance premium for?". Don't give me anymore than what I asked."

2010-09-17T18:48:00.001+08:00

Loosely translated, "It's the quiet ones that are most likely to do it. We don't worry about those that wail out that they would do it. It's the quiet ones that go off." This was said by a certain teacher. I still respect her today.

Now I know why the quiet ones go off.

2010-09-14T00:26:00.001+08:00

Yeah I love sleepless nights. They're needed so ultra badly. Sleepless nights. Who doesn't want them right? They're being taken up like hot cakes. Just. Awesome. Sleepless nights.

2010-09-13T23:49:00.004+08:00

What would make me really happy right now is for a $50 to magically appear in my pocket so I can avoid having to go into overdraft, and still eat a proper dinner than having to survive off instant noodles while paying for my transport fees so I can actually get to work.

All at the same time.

2010-08-22T00:31:00.000+08:00

There're certain things we all have to run away from. I'm tired of running.

2010-08-20T22:56:00.001+08:00

Everybody says, it's gonna get better,

Nobody knows, when the dust will settle,

Everybody thinks, they know better.

-Charlotte Sometimes, Bad Bad World.

2010-08-16T12:00:00.004+08:00

There is this growing pain in my lower back. Sometimes I run my finger down my spine, occasionally it feels...slanted. It doesn't run straight down. It has become factual that, after prolonged standing or sitting, stretching downwards will cause more pain to my back. Apparent it seems that my lower back feels weaker, and has lost it's curve. I can't take the pain anymore. I don't know what's wrong. Some bastard tells me it's because of compression of the spine. I refuse to believe that.

How can it be that the normal, vertical compression of the human body that would revert itself with sleep, suddenly be irreversible even after 3-4 weeks? It doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not going to see a chinese doctor for me back. I don't want to. I'm taking things into my own hands now.

I don't want to pay for a specialist doctor at the full rate because I went to a private clinic. This is obviously beyond that of a general practitioner.

I've had enough of this pain in my lower back that gnaws into my life and drain away my joy.

2010-07-29T11:50:00.002+08:00

s.95(3)(a) of the Women's Charter will not work.

s.95(3)(b) then.

2010-07-04T22:26:00.003+08:00

My grades haven't been fairing too well. And they don't seem to be that good over the horizon. Slowly creeping up to me are the fears that will fasten themselves unto me. So palpable, so real, so surprisingly, expected. Procastination, laziness, and inability to yield at the situation has caught up to me so badly that I'm wanting to quit school and just start work.

Yet some things just keep me going forward. Perhaps it is not the one person that pushes me the most, but it is the thought that I want, and I must make it big at least. Who would want to live behind a dead-end desk job in some office down at Shenton Way, or Raffles Place? Heck, I don't want to be that loser. Neither do I wanna be some salesman with no way out in Sim Lim Square. Sure, I may love my gadgets, however, those can only get me so far.

I guess it's not so much of wanting to have a comfortable life in the future anymore. It's more of wanting that bit of recognition. It's going to be a lot of, "you need a lot of discipline, you need a lot time, you have to sacrifice a lot of things." I know all these. Few know that I lost sight of myself. It's this one slap across my figurative face that's waking me up. So few know that I lost sight of myself. Gone again, is the life of mine where I come home to turn on the laptop. Welcome again, the life where I sit down in front of my notes, papers, textbooks, that got me where I am. Here, I'm sure it'll bring me to where I want to be. So little faith, so little time, so huge a mountain to conquer. While only one apart from myself, knows that I have a bloody tsunami hounding my little ass down the fucking beach after this shit is over. Surviving one year of deprivation was okay. This one's going to be a tough one.

Sure as hell I don't wanna come out of this telling some of my closest friends : "I fucked up."

2010-06-27T00:57:00.001+08:00

You will never truly know how broken a person is until you stand in his shoes and stare at the magnitude of the things he is feeling, and realise how helpless he is and the palpable fear that grips him.

2010-06-19T13:14:00.002+08:00

I failed to realise how much you've grown. I guess that facade of yours, a petite girl who is physically incapable, just washed itself away. I've always thought of protecting you, but that would limit your growth. Simply that alone would have incapitated your ability for progression. We are all victims of our own chains.

2010-06-18T00:33:00.001+08:00

I forgot what I wanted to write here.

2010-06-16T23:55:00.003+08:00

I was rudely yanked out from my sleep by 2 phonecalls. Still upset from the day before, I answered the phonecall, surprisingly the phone showed "Pumpkin". The morning suddenly turned around when she said to look out the window, I did as told, and there she was. That same face, that smile, and same chirpy voice I'll always remember.

That was the single, greatest moment for a long long time to come. It was simply awesome to see her so quickly after waking up.

2010-05-18T22:58:00.002+08:00

The moving finger writes,
And having writ, moves on.

-Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

2010-05-06T23:57:00.000+08:00

You've been a really hard time. But you're a strong girl.

2010-04-30T22:07:00.001+08:00

Oh projects are going to be a pain up in all our arses this semester. New people. New outlook. Opportunities growing further away. All seems to be fading to a shade darker than black.

2010-04-26T19:43:00.003+08:00

Don't know what's wrong with you. I'm perfectly fine with you ending late. It is the nature of your course. So even if I bitch to the world, there's nothing you can do. Even if I bitch to the world, nothing will change. That's why I'm keeping quiet about it. If anything, I think it's you. You're the one who feels guilty about me waiting. Problem is, no one asked me to wait. I'm waiting willingly. So why give me that black face when you're not guilty of anything?

2010-04-24T00:27:00.001+08:00

Thank you for following me this entire week, even though it made you exhausted. Miss it much.

2010-04-19T20:21:00.000+08:00

If possible, I want to make you smile like this everyday.

2010-04-08T21:54:00.002+08:00

It's going to take a bit to pull myself from learning this. While it isn't easy to realise the full nature of what I've done so far, this manifestation of today's conversation tells me that people are able to not feel sorry about what they have felt before. Here I am reflecting upon myself because during certain periods of my life I have rendered them a state where they wish to no longer speak to me for an indefinite duration of time that only they are in power of saying that they once again wish to speak to me. But I also ask myself why have I put them in such a position.

Would it be fair to say that for some reasons that has caused others to feel in such a way, that I'm not entirely the only source of? Sometimes if people simply just listen, perhaps things wouldn't have a sour outcome? Maybe it might be my temper that gets in the way of sheer social logic. However I am tapping away at the keyboard here tonight, being in a position where I do not wish to speak to that other person. Reason being that I'm unable to send across my message. I do not know on which end in spectrum of the communication range is the faulty one. I strongly believe in this case it is the sender not the receiver. Despite this I'm unable to bring myself to carry on with a two way traffic in communication, but I'm able to put up a red sign to signify that I wish to end the conversation.

I'm deeply saddened actually. By the words that says "leave me alone" by that person. I'd have never expected that ever. I truly do not understand the rationale behind it, especially in past episodes of the warring periods between us. More confusing is that this time round, instead of seeking to understand, you allow this to be dropped. Probably this is a sign of things to come. Either that, or this is again, another isolated freak incident. I'm unsure which is better for us.

Coincidentally, in the pools of my thoughts, swam a question "Would you be told an eloquent lie, or the stabbed in the face by the sick truth?" In retrospect, not in todays situation, the answer to that question is quite subjective. On the other hand, in respect to this evening's events, and to the past 2 years of my life which I've struggled to keep in check. I wish I were able to remain ignorant. For ignorance is that of bliss.

2010-04-04T22:41:00.001+08:00

We're good. Back to normal.

That was quite a bumpy ride.

2010-04-03T22:06:00.002+08:00

It's not rage, it's not fear. It's not cowardice and it's not something I would want out of this.

I struggle to breathe in the air of ambiguity. While my head tears apart my soul and conscience, my logic fights to stay wholesome and sane.

How long more do I need to hold this ball.

2010-03-26T10:57:00.002+08:00

I can't believe you let this type of work consume your ability to tell right from wrong. You're so severely underpaid, and yet you continue to work, despite there being a very good chance you won't be paid because you simply cannot finish. I've been trying to reason with you. What you did was work, while trying to talk it out with me. All you did was pay lip service. Quite honestly, you don't see what you have to lose from not stopping.

I actually have to get mad at you before you actually stop working, and let me reason things out with you. At which point I'm no longer in the mood nor capacity to reason anymore. Because you're not reasoning.

What sort of obligations are we talking about? You mean you actually have an obligation to the company? Are you bullshitting me? I think you are. You're not even tied to them as a part time worker. So what sort of obligations do you see that I do not? If you tell me you have some sort of obligation to your cousin. I'm afraid she has the obligation to listen to you, and freaking help you when you tell her you simply cannot finish the work even with the help of someone else. Sadly she didn't fulfil that obligation. What makes you think you need to fulfil whatever illusionistic obligation you have to her?

I've been trying to tell you to stop, and all the reasons in the world you should stop, to the point which I can be said to be a mad man. You didn't listen. Do not blame me for getting upset or angry. You had the chance. You didn't take it, you ploughed through your chance and continued to work. I had the thought of telling you, "I'm breaking up with you." to get your damned attention. And remind you, that you have more to lose than to gain. Apparently you don't see it.

You do not see the big picture. That's why you continue. You don't see it. Damage control? Don't screw around with me.

Choose

2010-03-21T20:22:00.002+08:00

Sometimes morality and work ethics get in the way of my job. Whether do I earn more money from the person? Or let myself give in and give the person a larger discount. Plagued by such choices at times.

2010-03-15T08:38:00.002+08:00

Trudging through the aimless walkway, lit only by the lamp posts under an orange hue. His body wrecked by the demand physical of his work. Despite turning 19 this year, his back aches as though he is 53 years and unable to exert where strength is needed accordingly. Has he aged so much?

Now that the hell of roadshow is over. The time for packing up is here. I am as tired as who knows what is tired. My back aches like shit. I think I pulled it. Yeah my body is 53 years old. Talk about holy shit.

2010-03-14T08:01:00.002+08:00

A missing page in a book. The missing key on a keyboard. Lost pixels on the screen. The fork without the knife.

With you across the borders, into the land of shopping sprees and no worries. Your absence in person is like the lock missing the key.

2010-03-10T23:23:00.002+08:00

You deserve no respect. You don't even deserve the job. Quite honestly, you jump at the most far-fetched conclusions. Especially when I haven't taken my dinner, and you say that that packet of noodles is for someone else before asking around whose is it. Your ingenuity surprises me not. And I so enjoy eating my dinner IN YOUR FACE when you made a strong, oh-so-confident assumption that it's someone else's dinner.

You stand in front of a laptop, checking out phone deals, checking out the prices of airline tickets, checking out promotions that have nothing to do with electronics. You move away from the laptop when there's a prospective customer who approaches the laptop and looks for the price. You don't even let the words "can I help you?" our of your mouth. You just stand there like the useless guy you are. Even my little brother does more sales than you. Perhaps not in volume, but in quantity. And that speaks volumes of you.

You come in late EVERDAY. We all report atleast 30 minutes earlier. You on the contrary, come in 30 minutes LATER after the shop opens. Don't BULLSHIT ME. When you arrive at 12, your excuse is that "you missed the bus"?! Hello? How long have you been working? Maybe 10 years since my uncle hired you? But I swear to my disgusts at preaching christians that you have been working for more than 10 shitty years. Simply because you have gout doesn't change the fact that you're exactly the same as the rest of us. And what the hell is with you sleeping ON THE JOB? Playing your iPhone ON THE JOB? Playing some game on the laptop while ON THE JOB? For some random dude who's starving in some third world country's sake, our LADY BOSS WHO KNOWS NUTS ABOUT WHAT HER PHONE CAN ACTUALLY DO LET ALONE COMPUTERS IS MORE PRODUCTIVE THAN YOU ARE BY THE SHEER NUMBER OF DAYS SHE'S AROUND IN THE SHOP. She can leave the shop to have lunch with her friends as and when she likes, because she actually holds a POSITION, a fairly POWERFUL position in which 4 letters spells out what sort of power she holds. It's spelt B-O-S-S. You on the other hand, are a mere EMPLOYEE just like me. So shit you and your shitty "privileges". To put it bluntly, you're there only because our lady boss isn't the most fluent person in the language of IT. You're hopeless.

For the record, your son ain't the best employee around either. But he definitely sells more than you when he's on the third damn floor.

2010-03-01T21:56:00.003+08:00

Dragging myself out of bed at 830 in the morning, dreading my way to the toilet with my work uniform and towel in hand.

Feeling the warm water hit my face in the morning, a nice wake up call from a relatively deep slumber. With my eyes closed, I feel an itch in my throat. Suddenly I arch forward with my palm to my mouth, I start coughing relentlessly like an old man. Becoming more breathless each time, with each forceful expulsion of air, bringing along a product of the body to my mouth. The taste of egg feels my mouth, with a hint of iron. Spitting whatever it was into the white basin next to the shower, I stare at the reddish result of what was an episode of what was supposed to come only in fifty years from today. Realizing the extent of a minor cough has reached, I thought to myself: "Wow. Blood. Just awesome, simply what I needed."

2010-02-27T00:27:00.000+08:00

For the record, I hate it when people hide things from me. Period.

Finally.

2010-02-25T21:32:00.002+08:00

I twist the knob on my door as I lament the end of my one hour break to catch "The Pupil." Feeling the cool air envelope me as I push open the door, greeted by the hue of my laptop gently lighting up the keyboard and it's palm rest gently, contrasted by the dark gulfs of the room. With it's internal workings buzzing away silently while I was away, I place my phone on the edge of my bed, and slide it towards my pillow while I make my way to my chair across the room without switching on the lights.

Settling down on the chair, straining myself away from the temptation of rest and comfort, pushing myself to grind through the last tormenting round of revision for tomorows paper. Dreading the fact that the paper is Legal Systems and Methods, I wish I could just slump onto my bed and wander off into the abysses of sleep. Sleep and rest will have to come later.

It's finally the end of the week. It's finally the end of our exams. It's finally the end of my first year in Temasek Polytechnic. I can smell the sweet scent of cash that comes together with holidays.

Now to look forward to my cough eradicating itself before it eradicates my throat and myself.

2010-02-24T21:22:00.002+08:00

Someone told me today that it's hard to buy a guy presents. Quite frankly, I think buying presents for the female counterpart's a tougher job with the widest variety of peripherals a girl would love to acquire.

Here's a list of things a person can get a guy, or her guy:

Wallet
Ties
Shirts
Cufflings
Tie-pins
Pens
Belts
Socks
Cologne
Pencil Cases
Jackets
Watch

Truthfully, the list can go on, it's not meant to be exhaustive. Notice what he might need. You'll find that it goes beyond this list. Perhaps if you see him with a earhole, fill that hole up.

What to get a girl, for this I'm very afraid I'm at a lost. At one point of my life, ideas on what to do, or what to get for a girl simply flowed into my head like a gushing river. Now, it's dry season. However I've learned that girls would prefer that you execute a romantic gesture rather than give them something. Of course if you can execute a romantic gesture and complement it with a gift, that's what you should do. For them, I've also realized that the littlest things goes to unexpected lengths.

The rest is up to your imagination.

2010-02-18T20:17:00.001+08:00

My first watch in ages. The most expensive thing I've put on my wrist in ages. Possibly one of the greatest things I've received in ages. I'll be wearing it for ages. I'll be loving it for ages.

Thank you for the watch baby. Loving every second of it.

2010-02-14T23:31:00.002+08:00

Times passes, people change.
One fine day, I find myself staring at the ceiling of my room from the bed. Suddenly the thought and drive to tidy up my room surges through my head. Coming upon my feet and shuffling the papers that once drove me crazy, sorting textbooks out. Just after 2 hours, my room seemed completely different from what it was.

Time passes, people change.
Today I realize that after explaining so much, I've grown tired of explaining things. There're simply some things that are beyond our control. Without fail, without warning, plans and hopes go awry while the feeling of helplessness and desperation plants its seed into our hearts. Holding my phone in my hand, reading a list of things. Learning from that list that I've become tired of explaning. I'm tired of people jumping to conclusions. I'm tired. I'm tired when people don't practice what they preach. I'm tired when people impose unto others expectations, but subsequently don't put themselves against the same standards. I'm tired.

Time passes, people change.

Survive the awkwardness

2010-02-13T23:13:00.002+08:00

Thus the curtains for today has drawn itself to a close. Dinner with my cousins have never been, well let's just say a pleasant experience. The hidden undercurrents of politics between my mom and aunt, surfaced itself today. With my naggy mother, harping away at how my aunt doesn't leave us alone, if we don't make a move. Going on about how my brother has to make a prayer to a superior being, and it has to be done by midnight. All these coming in only during the conclusion of the extremely awkward dinner.

Whilst I sat between my younger brother and my cousin, Gerad(or Jared, I don't know how to spell his name, sadly). The realization that none of us have anything common topic of interest. One still going through the angst of a teenager, one starting work for 6 months, I myself still undergoing a course to obtain my diploma. It takes a person who's very good at social events such as this, to break the ice. I even overheard my younger cousin mention something about icebreakers. Awkward much?

My nightmares weren't over. Food theme of tonight's dinner-Seafood. Sounds awesome to the rest of you. Things weren't so simple for me. I grew up never liking seafood. Stingray is probably the only other seafood apart from fish I've eaten. Crab, crayfish, lobster, all out of the window. I never liked them. Some things have changed, I rose up to the challenge of eating prawns. I aim to eat crab, and subsequently the rest of the seafood category. It's either that, or my significant other will lose out when it comes to seafood. I have to stomach my way through this.

Barely halfway through the 9 course meal, the arduous meal finally got to me when I simply couldn't eat any more. I was full. There and then, it hit me that I haven't really been able to eat as much as I used to. My capacity to eat was shrinking but my capability to grow horizontally didn't go hand in hand with each other. I am growing fatter, slowly but gradually. The effects of this, is becoming evident! Yet my remedy of running in the mornings, have yet to show the desired results. I weep for myself!

In the car after the gastronomical ordeal, I plugged my earphones in to avoid having to hearing my mother yapping away about how she has been delayed even by 5 minutes. Being an adult seems to be so torturous with this events that occur annually.

But whee, soft landing. "piak"

2010-02-12T21:42:00.003+08:00

No matter the distance no matter the time,
no matter the place, no matter the hour.
You know I'll be there.

Somehow some seasons, will give us the reason.
Be it the highs or be it the lows,
the waves will be calm after they slow.
Thus I'll never let go.

With this duration, our time's passage slow.
But our show's not over, hence don't let go.

Wishing your presence, never to waver.
Hoping your presence, to never disappear.
For I am chained down, by your love and your trust.

2010-02-09T19:23:00.002+08:00

After bidding her goodluck outside the lecture theatre, I slowly made my way to the library. Climbing the stairs up to the fourth floor, moving towards the corner of "not-so-cold" as deemed by Meenakshi. Realizing no one was there, as though they had left without a word during my absence, I grabbed the chair and wondered what to text Meena. A thought of "HAH! I knew you couldn't stay til the library closes" manifested itself. Before I could sit myself, an epiphany struck me as I realized that she sat herself in the same exact spot. Except, one floor up. Noticing my careless mistake, biting my lips, and heaving a soft sigh at my lack of memory, I trudged silently towards the stairs again.

And this was the second time something of this nature had transpired today. Kind of stupid of me.

Meh.

What?

2010-02-09T14:26:00.003+08:00

Aim among the stars, and you will land on the moon. When you work towards the stars, and put forth relentless effort with near undying perserverence. The results are always sheer disappointment. When you learn that others put forth effort that is dwarfed by your own, yet land on the same moon, one begins to ponder the reasons behind the hardwork. Same yields from different fields, one can only despise the late, and sympathize with the early bird.

Then again, Life and Reality are really just horny bitches that wants to fuck just about everything and anything around you.

Change.

2010-02-07T22:02:00.002+08:00

I guess certain things simply change over time. There's no helping. For me, Law has changed me. It's turned me into this, more disciplined, perhaps more aggressive person. Not what I had hoped for, but I can settle for something like this. Then again, it's not like I have a choice.

I foresee myself to be a very mentally drained individual in the future. With the demanding workload that would be placed on our desks in the form of memos. The very thought presents itself with a very intimidating facade, extremely unpleasant. The though refreshes itself with the exams slowly creeping up to me. The amount of work that has to be accomplished by then. Thank goodness for the mindmaps that can aid us during the papers.

The literal flair has begun to fade away as well. "Emo"ness brings out the best in the wordy sense of a person. Or perhaps desperation and despair does the work just as well. Is it just time this literature flow of mine dries up, and await another season to arrive?

2010-01-31T13:50:00.003+08:00

And here I find myself wondering why water always find it's way outward from it's source.

2010-01-25T22:22:00.003+08:00

I sat in the rumbling bus beside my trusty friend today. I let my mind wander into the possible prospects of my life, should I have done certain things differently, or confronted the problems with a little more patience. Then perhaps I wouldn't be here today. On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't be letting these intangible probabilities get the better of me, before they undo my present and coerce me into getting nowhere.

While I slowly realize what the past should have taught me when they were present, I come to see that it is still not too late to grasp what I should have a long time ago. Before failure grips me with such intensity and ferocity that I cannot resist to implode to, I must muster the knowledge that was granted to me without my acceptance, and improvise. Otherwise, my own indifference in the past would result in my impending doom that will plague me with many years to come.

In utmost certainty, I think I shall tread with almost impeccable caution in the future, before someone has the opportunity to say, "Weiqi, you should now show the world the fear in your eyes."

2010-01-24T22:25:00.002+08:00

It is the sad but ugly truth of Singapore youths today. Academia is the top priority that robs away the colourful life that most of us intend to have. The cruelty of trade-offs and opportunity costs that plague our lives to no end. For some of us, who are luckier, the discipline that's been instilled from early parts of their lives, seem to have the least of troubles on the outside. But the turmoils that boil inside, are always indescribably chaotic.

If you know what it feels like to be thrown into a pool of water without being taught how to swim. Try applying that feeling to your academia side of life, and you'll know how we feel. Ever struggling to stay afloat, to no end, as the shores of hope seem to be beyond the horizon. Even though we know it's there.

Yours is not to question why, yours is to do or die.

2010-01-03T22:03:00.002+08:00

There appears to be another material desire in my life now. It's not a camera. It's an eBook reader.

After reading the reviews, the comparisons. I think I might settle down on a Sony PRS-600 Touch edition. That is if I am able to attain the financial capacity to afford one, and finally bring myself to the bank and apply for a debit card. This seems to be an impossible task for me to achieve. However, I think I really want to go through with this 'want'.

I've been reading for a long long time. Though I admit that as of late, I haven't been able to read as much as I would like to. With school projects and other commitments, I'm unable to sit myself infront of a good book and flip through it with each page scoured. The only reading I've been doing recently are the Singapore cases, and most of them have turned up to be disappointingly fruitless.

Oh the benefits that come with the eBook. No more having to care about the creases that might spoil the superfical appearance of my book. No more having to have my brothers come into my room and ask for a book that I have. If my house catches fire, I'd just lug my laptop, it's power adaptor, my Walkman, my important stuff that my significant other has given me, and my little eBook reader that holds the literary treasures that I indulge in whenever I can since I've dropped out from playing games very frequently.

You may ask why I might be willing to spend $600 on an electronic device that has little purpose except to bore the average Singaporean. I won't really call reading my passion anymore. But it would be great for me since my course demands a lot of reading. And this little handy device will go a long way to bring law cases around. And not to mention the titles I have not exactly searched high and low for, but have been keeping a lookout for. Hurray to the Greg Iles' titles and numerous John Grisham books. I'm going to have my way with you!

And here's to whichever author I have yet to discover.

Now that I think about it, these are the only two author whose titles I enjoy. With the exception of Tolkien, and The Kite Runner. And a few others.

2010-01-01T22:45:00.002+08:00

Thank you baby for the jacket. It means a lot. Even though it's very simple, I like things simple. I don't particularly like things when they get complicated. I don't like to put my thoughts into things that deep anymore. Unless they're physics and chemistry. I still occasionally wonder why I'm where I am right now though.

Happy 1 year sweetie.

Sahail, thank you for the shirt. It's nice and a little corny. Revolution of M&Ms.

2009-12-28T22:17:00.002+08:00

You were never a good father. Neither were you anywhere fantastic.

Truth be told, if ever the day comes where I get to see you on your death bed. The words from me, would not be those that give you relief or pride of your own.

They would be to quicken your painful death. Bring forth the shame. And pour more pain into your fatigued mind. Your soul will not leave a memory in me.

Mark my words. You were never a good father. You were never a fantastic father.

I do not see you as my father.

You shattered my image of you. I had always thought you were strong. But hell no. I was wrong.

Should your birthday come again. I will forget.

Should Father's day come next year. I will be blind to your presence.

All you are, is someone who fetches me to work on Sundays, and home from work during the weekends. And the provider of my dinners whenever it's fit.

But, whether your or our familiy or the world likes it or not. In my eyes, you would never be my father. For I know what my two brothers do not. I'm not ignorant. And I'm a very lousy actor.

I hope you noticed, that I almost never acknowledge your presence. I do it on a whim. And recently, I thought I should show you some respect. But no. I take it back now. I think this is going to be a permanent arrangement.

Hate is a strong word. Very strong.

I hate you.

2009-12-20T16:07:00.000+08:00

idiocy

2009-12-19T12:05:00.003+08:00

My ideal working room will include:

A gargantuan table.
A infinite amount of potato chips.
An obscene flow of plain water, or bandung at my snappy decisions.
A perversely expensive computer or Sony Vaio.
A row of power points to power whatever I want.
An intelligent air-conditioner.
A really comfortable bed.
A not so ergonomical chair, but a normal roller chair will be fine.
No windows, just artificial light.
Internet, a bloody fast one. Not the one school uses.
Pens and lots of paper.

And

Candy.

I would love to have that room just for work.

2009-12-02T23:32:00.002+08:00

I'm beginning to realize that they're some people, who don't see why things are done in the manner they are. The effects that they have, so subtle, so minor. Yet, they've been done the way they are, all the while, in the manner they have been accomplished, for a good, donkey, number of years. Who are we to question, centuries old of protocol and procedures?

Questions I guess, are appreciated. But, shouldn't they be processed before they're put out onto the windows for scrutiny and critique? We're students. We're here to learn. We're not here so much so as to challenge someone who has years of experience. They have the expertise, and have held onto it, far longer than we have.

One should not question why it is, but why should it.

2009-11-28T23:40:00.002+08:00

Back to Basics.

2009-11-23T22:34:00.001+08:00

Baby, I'm happy, thank you. You're the best.

Thank you to all the peeps =D

2009-11-19T05:41:00.001+08:00

Bollocks.

2009-11-13T21:20:00.001+08:00

If only the difference between culpable homicide and murder was like

and not like

2009-11-09T11:27:00.002+08:00

Life at V3 has recently been quite mundane. It's not exactly the usual, serve customers and the such. But, as of late, I've been only setting up laptops, recovering vaios', setting up Rollys', and duplicating discs.

Forever with conflicting instructions from two different heads. While I try to juggle between customers and ongoing work. Simply multi-task my head off. Do this, do that.

On the biggest upside, I got to do a set-up on the snazzy VGN-Z58GG/X. Beautiful piece of equipment. Extremely fast, beautifully silent, yet, no excess heat produced unlike my Z26. And it's running on Windows 7.

It makes my desktop look like shit actually.

It finishes the set-up the same amount of time my laptop turns on, sign in into msn, start garena and get into a room. In short, 5 minutes.

My laptop takes 20 minutes. Oh, SSD, thou art such a bitch.

2009-10-28T22:56:00.003+08:00

I am unable to comprehend the rationality of your decisions and immediate actions. They are entirely without a beginning or the end.

I wish you'd keep your damn business within your damn floor. Damn hell, I can't remember why the shithole you spilt it into mine for. Like shit you. I have enough things to deal with already. So shit you and your apparently huge problem alright?

I've been handling my own plight for a damn long time already, so why can't you handle your own craft for hell's sake.

And for fuck's sake, take a fucking stand already. Stop standing there and watch yourself get one-uped over and over and over and over and over again. Don't you feel humiliated?

And don't you think you can just hide every mode of communication, and your own undoing. You have no idea how much I feel like asking you repeatedly look at me, then scream a "Fuck you understand?" into your face.

2009-10-16T22:06:00.001+08:00

Don't mind me, but once in a while, I look back at what I gave up. I wonder if I did what I want to do now, back then. Would things be better for me.

2009-09-21T18:39:00.002+08:00

It's disheartening to know that you treat them all the same while you change them as fast as changing a diaper of a baby.

I really can't believe that you would be that way and let our friend be degraded in a way that he certainly does not deserve. Not only that, you would not stand up for yourself. You let someone else do the talking, take the trashing in your stead. Is that who you really are?

For once someone had the eyes to see through the veil of illusion that love set upon, I sincerely hope that the current someone would be able to see too. For that person's own good, welbeing, mental health, and emotional wellness, I genuinely hope that things screw up for you again.

Because you never ever take actions to maintain the course of subject in the manner that you would prefer. You think that the matter at hand is a missile that's designed to simply fire and forget. Sad to say, this missile's computer's not advanced nor equipped to veer itself onto the intended target. You monitor your situation, but you never grab the wheel to steer it in the right direction when the shit hits the fan.

You simply put your hands on the wheel, push the pedal to the metal, and when you crash into the steel guardrails, you simply blame the machine you were operating. Is it fair to the machine when it is only as good as it's driver?

Honestly, no matter how painful it is, you are an epic failure when it comes to resolving conflicts, relationships, and your own problems. You simply pass them off as not your own. You strongly feel that your actions have no influences or consequences what-so-ever. I forgive you because you have never heard of the "butterfly effect".

Yet another flaw, you attempt to ridicule everything, yet not noticing that you will lose the people around you. You think you're a joker. Here's the jackpot, you're the joke. You honestly have no idea, how much, I simply feel like smashing my fist into your face. I don't, because Occam's razer says that it's non essential and unrequired.

When in a corner and surrounded with your back against the wall, you never give up nor give in, you simply think you can still get out when you obviously can't. Grow up. Seriously.

2009-08-30T23:35:00.002+08:00

To be degraded to that sort of extend, you have no idea what it feels like.

As time passes, we all change. Change is inevitable. Along the way, we tend to lose sight of what we want to do. It's not something to be blamed. It's just human nature. I, myself wanted to do Physics ever since I learned the equation where F=ma.

But here I am, doing LAW at Temasek Polytechnic. Still considering if I should drop after my first year, then move on to enrol in a JC and do what I have always wanted to do. It's a huge decision, one that's not easy for me to take especially if I don't have the support of the people whom I want supporting me.

It's part and parcel of life that through it all, we pick things up along the way, whether we like it or not. Passing the vistas of life, we learn more about ourselves, about the things we like, we express genuine interest in. From there, we change the plans we have had. Drastic changes, minor tweaks, perhaps even changing the very blueprints, objectives and goals of the plans. With each change in these prospective dreams, it will garner criticism, perhaps even ridicule, to go even further, sheer disagreement.

On the other hand, this sort of abberations may also gather around support, rapport, and who knows, even applaud.

Corrections too late is better than regret for corrections never made.

2009-08-28T00:45:00.002+08:00

Rather than hope that I can hold true to my decision. I'll make sure my decision holds true instead.

2009-08-19T16:52:00.000+08:00

A few things have cropped back into my head recently. Especially the one on, whether or not I should have taken a science related course, or went to JC altogether. It's not the first time something like this has surfaced into my mind. It's definitely not for me to say that it'll be the last time.

Back then, I remember clearly, I can do nothing about science and still do well in it. It's not something I'm proud of, but definitely something I embrace.

Honestly, I don't understand why you have got friends who do photography, and you look for them too. But, why is it that I'm the one to have to teach you about exposure, blurring, and aperture. If you're interested, I think you would have gotten how to hold a camera when taking a picture. Not being sarcastic, but I was laughing inside when I saw you hold the camera. That's not how you hold a professional camera. It may be old, but that tool of art deserves respect nonetheless. You have a lot to learn. But truthfully, I'm not willing to teach you. I don't see why I should be the one teaching you when you have a whole lot of other people, a good number, who has better equipment supposedly.

For a moment I was afraid of being laughed at.

Luck or curse?

2009-08-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

People used to tell me that I'm lucky, because I have a job at my Uncle's place.

But reality is never so beautiful.

There is always a trade-off for the things that happen. Just like how a butterfly in Mexico will result in a Hurricane in America.

My life ever since Secondary 2, revolved around 2 very different but yet similar points of cycle. Work and school. Come Secondary 3, come Polytechnic, Year 1. A new variable came into the picture. What I failed at first, I want to change now.

With my weekends booked for work, little time is left for the sustainability of the relationship. With the only time we have for each other, being the afternoons of a Wednesday, and whatever time that comes along where tutorials are cancelled. Also the dinners we have after school. All I wanted, was a life where I could do something with her. Take up roller-blading, perhaps go running, attend a movie-marathon with her, introduce her to the world of photography. Or learn baking from her, cooking from her, cross-stitching.

One day, we should go swimming. One day, we should sign up for roller-blading. One day, when I have a decent camera, we should wander around Singapore aimlessly. One day, we should go around Singapore, hunting for food. One day, we should stay home, and try to make a few muffins together. One day, we should cross-stitch our names together.

Until our relation can mature, I think it's best we keep it from your father. Until he stops seeing you as a small girl, will we be able to take the steps for our relationship in the direction we want it to go without fear, trepidation, or repression.

Thank you for pushing us back on track.

2009-07-30T11:01:00.003+08:00

*Cough cough, blow into tissue, clear throat*

I'm pretty much sick. But recovering.

I guess the reason why Singaporeans, if at all, aren't that much interested in politics, is because the political climate here is pretty much stable. Not withstanding the fact that our people are pretty much too hard and dee into their own work, that they rather spend their time with their family or loved ones alone. Unlike in Thailand or Indonesia where the political weather there are now undergoing drastic storms and high seas.

Of course, if anyone, is going to be interested in politics, I personally think is when the attention is needed to focus on politics themselves. To begin with, the P game's a little tough and complicated to follow.

2009-07-26T18:51:00.003+08:00

I tried everything I could.

Nothing would.

Something should.

But you would never understand how it feels.

2009-07-21T20:49:00.002+08:00

I really can't help but rant, because it's really really on my nerves. Seriously, what's the point of getting me something that has got a fault on one of it's central parts? But it's not your fault that you don't know because it's an internal problem.

But why the FUCK make me wait for so FUCKING LONG, when I already have what I want in mind? NO, FUCKING SERIOUSLY!! All I ever wanted was something that wasn't as good as this machine in term of power. Because it is honestly INFERIOR. But, here's the biggest catch, IT HAS NO FUCKING PROBLEMS.

2009-07-20T22:05:00.003+08:00

For some unknown reasons, seeing you, raise my spirits. It's even better than concoctions of serotonin and endorphines. It just feels so natural to be with you.

I believe strongly, that even though we get upset with each other once in a while, we will be together for a long long time. Exactly how long, I don't know. But know this, I have faith in us.

Hoo, I hate Photoshop Elements, I love Photoshop CS3, the full version. It's so much more familiar. I think when I have the time, I want to explore around with PS CS3 more often now. I shall install it on my laptop.

For the rarest of occasions, and probably the first time that someone who knows me, but would be surprised that I didn't tell her. I want more clothes because my wardrobe is pathetic. But problem is, I have so little exposure, I don't know where's a good place to find something that I might like. I hate things that are loud, because it isn't me. Some might find it contradictory. But for my closest friends, they would know that my sarcasm aren't out for blood, they would know how quiet I can get, they would know just the sort of person I am.

Maybe it's time I get out of my comfort zone, no?

Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

2009-07-19T21:51:00.003+08:00

It's high and low points of the roller-coaster ride named life, that crashes people down to their knees. The unsurmountable weights that drag even the happiest person down. All it takes is just a fall.

It makes me wonder what I've been doing thus far. Whether I've forsaken her for too long. I guess I have. I'm pondering why and how I came to forsake her.

Seeing her like that makes my heart ache. I truly do not want to see her like that again. I can only try as much as possible that's within my capability to not have something like this happen again.

An emperor might not cower in fear and run with his tail between his legs in the advent of a invasion he cannot repel. But, he can turn his back against the world because of a woman. He can fail his country, because of the lost of her.

2009-07-18T22:09:00.003+08:00

My mother is truly a remarkable woman. One who is in her own league. I would have never thought that she would possess that calibre of foresight. It is of a magnitude that I cannot mirror. She had seen so far ahead, and put steps to ready those under her care to adapt to the probable circumstances should a crisis arise. Truly remarkable in her own way.

But she is vicious as well. Probably by far the most vicious person I've seen. I have had no idea that she would plot that as well.

However, I must say, that I can be blindsided by either party. I do not exactly have all the details. But, something tells me that I proceed with caution. An amount that would never surmount to too much. She has demonstrated that she is capable of foresight that would probably catch me with a level of surprise that I'm not ready for. Her mind probably works out more possibilities in the same amount of time mine can only achieve barely.

I'm not too keen on the idea of whatever she has brought up. On the other hand, I do not have a say in the situation. At least not yet. Reason being that the matter is still a little touchy for me to intervene. I do not have the entire grasp of the situation. As far as I know, I might not be the only one who knows the problem that belies our family. It is also highly possible that she has manipulated the next most capable person in our family and have had him keep 'mum' about the word that she has conveyed.

I have to be certain that I am the only person next to the two warring nations of U.S and U.S.S.R knows about the Cold War that is going on between the both of them. The task at hand I'm afraid is going to implicate me in the future whether I like it or not. And it's consequences are far more reaching that I believe I would expect. It is something I cannot fully brace myself for.

Perhaps it is in the nature of the situation that it would work itself out. But as it applies to all simliar situation of it's own kind, it will never have a happy ending. It never does. The victim can never accept the outcome of the code of conduct of the perpetrator.

Nonetheless I can only play the wait and see game, no matter how much I would love the intervene. Goodness, I'm drained out even trying to work out what I can do. It's a sickening feeling.

Still in the end. All idiots.

2009-07-05T18:02:00.001+08:00

But I still love you anyway.

2009-06-28T11:29:00.003+08:00

It's no wonder that Singaporeans complain about the service sector in Singapore giving bad service. It's this sort of irresponsible dealings that result in this sort generalized image on the entire sector.

People who take urgent leave, or what-so-ever but leave loose ends untied. It's this sort of bloody irresponsible actions that leave the entire service sector shunned upon and abused. Hence, most employees in the service sector feel no longer the need to give extra service, or go the extra mile to serve the customers better.

Hence, the government's campaign to ask customers to recognize and applaud people in the service sector who go the extra mile. Honestly, it isn't just the locals who complain that service is bad. The tourists and foreigners complain that service is bad. Is it justified to implant that one experience of bad customer service to the entire sector? It simply isn't justified neither is it fair.

Furthermore, rather than focus on the people who work in the sector, why not focus on customers as well. A good number of customers treat employees almost as if they were owing them a living. Is it fair to the employees who's pay is just enough, who's work is constantly a repetition of words on every customer? Satisfying the customer's ego, answering questions which were asked on a arrogant note, all these do not make a job fulfiling and worth staying on. Now we know why newspaper have to report on locals shunning the service sector.

Wondered why we needed a be polite, be gracious campaign? Chew on it. Really, it's simply because Singaporeans lack the politeness and graciousness of other countries. Look at Japan's society, it's almost professional. No matter how hideous you are, they won't show you that they think you're hideous. Here in Singapore? They'll say it into your face.

Let's face it, a large number of Singaporeans, and I mean a number large enough for the government to have to tell them that they're inconsiderate, are insensitivie, stereotypes, inconsiderate, arrogant, and stupid. Complete bimbotic snobs who think they're smart. This is what defines Singaporeans.

2009-06-24T13:42:00.001+08:00

Thank you soooo much, for throwing us into waters that even you don't know how deep it was. And not caring after being told how deep it was. Thank you soooooo much. Appreciate it a lot. Never thought you would have been that sort of person. Worse than I imagined.

2009-06-23T22:40:00.003+08:00

Rather than get angry at all that, I think it's more logical for me to accept things the way they are. Instead of having to go against the flow with elaborate plans that might never work because of my lack of patience.

The ability to exercise discretion is paramount now. In the past I used to be "do then think", that analogy cannot be used anymore. Times have changed. I cannot do that any longer. It will only bring ill effects to my life. I have to slow down, look at the big picture, then plan out my steps. I need to know fully what I can and cannot do.

Never in my life, have I felt this compelled to slow down in my pace of life. I thought things has always been going on perfectly with no wrong notes. Now that the scores have changed with more notes. I'm missing notes that are moving far too fast for me to grasp, forcing me to slow down the tempo. It's time to look ahead at the scores rather hit one at a time while only looking 2 notes ahead.

Particularly with my father, things have changed. Or maybe, most fathers would be like that. If so, then nothing about families have changed. Only the tools of commision have changed. It's not ironic. Just like how the face of war never changes, only the tools of war have changed.

No matter how sick and tired I get, I have to take it in my stride. Just like how cap'n have said it once. "Don't sweat the small stuff".

Things don't always go the way we want them to be. Personally, I've always wanted to do physics since young. Look at what I'm doing now though, I'm doing Law and Management. I wanted too to do History, but I'm not doing anything related to JC material now. All because I took things as they came. I hope I'll be able to set out, to do things the way I want it to be done.

Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place where we meet,
And you see me waiting for you, at the corner of the street.
So I'm not moving.
-The Man Who Can't Be Moved, The Script

2009-06-23T09:06:00.002+08:00

When the day arrives, I will wait. Truth be told, I know that day will come. I just know it. Don't ask me how, don't ask me when. I just know that the day will come when I will wait. It's not a gut feeling. This one, I just know. It's primal instinct.

2009-06-19T19:57:00.001+08:00

I'm going crazy over trying to string multiple formulas in Excel.

2009-06-16T20:22:00.007+08:00

Research is boring. Though some facts and knowledge gained through research can be quite shocking. It is still boring nontheless. I'm sleepy, I'm tired. Yet I still have to slave away at the machine that was bestowed upon me to care for and use. My eyes feel like drooping and my head feels like falling. When will I be able to sleep tonight?

I so definitely should have worked for the whole of last week. I so do not regret it. Now the decision is for me to make as to when to get it. I'm piqued at the idea that it has to be reserved. I'm not too comfortable with it.

I'm supposed to get my hair cut tonight, but I'm too tired to go get it cut. Tomorow, definitely, because tomorow, I have to get my pants. Maybe I should take a break tomorow. Yeah, I'll take a break tomorow. I need to sleep til my brain says, STOP SLEEPING YOU FUMBLING IDIOT. But for reasons apart from the stupid projects I've been losing sleep for, totally worth it.

And to you, my dear friend whom I chanced upon the other day. I don't really quite care what you think about me. Atleast not at this point of time. Because I know you're not exactly doing your job. You're just like Mr.Ong. A man who cares but can't express. The goals are valid but the methods are dreaded. I won't say I don't understand how you feel. But she's growing up, she needs the space to be given to her gradually. It doesn't really make any point to constrict what she does. I understand that you're afraid she might get hurt. But, don't you think that he might be someone whom she trusts, and is someone you can trust too? In my eyes, she's not a girl. She's a lady, a woman. Someone who is independent and knows her own boundaries. Hell, I need someone who can love me and control me, for me. And she's exactly the person who does what's been described. Personally, I don't want to hurt her. Though I admit that my gut feelings keep telling me that I will hurt her one day, I just want to go through with it, because she's the woman I love. I know it's oxymoronic to say that I don't want to hurt her, and that my gut feelings say that I will hurt her one day. But I want to spend my time with her during which I don't hurt her. And even if circumstances forbid, but I still hurt her. Then it's time that I have to be left alone by her. I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I hope you understand her situation. She's been through enough, making her go through more will only make her crack. When she does, I hope you don't regret it. As far as it goes, I'll try to save her from cracking. But if she does crack, it'll be your fault, because you never opened up enough. Things that you did, you didn't admit to, you didn't apologize for, you tried to control when it has to be relinquished. Hasn't it been long enough for things to have been this way that you ask yourself that it is time to bury the hatchet and just go forth so that things can change? Even though you know that they can't, you should at least try. So that you won't have the guilt in the future to live with? If you don't feel guilty about it.....I don't know what to say.

Baby, I love you. I will stand by you through it all. It's not fair that you have to go through this alone. So I will be there besde you whenever you need me. Regardless of the circumstances, I promise you, I will try as hard and as much as possible to come to your side whenever I can.

2009-06-09T23:44:00.000+08:00

Books.

2009-06-03T22:34:00.001+08:00

I'll make things simpler for you. Don't worry about it.

2009-05-31T00:05:00.002+08:00

This is only upon special request from someone. And it's only open to that someone.

2009-05-31T00:05:00.001+08:00

This is only upon special request from someone. And it's only open to that someone.

2009-05-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

My trusty lil' book.

2009-05-21T09:31:00.003+08:00

Don't you think it's a little bit dumb to ask me whether I have enough money to sustain myself when I'm only receiving $240 a month because I'm working on Saturdays which only pays me $60 a day. But that's not having factored in the fact that I pay for my own insurance? Which take a freagin' HUUUUUUUGE chunk out of my meagre allowance? YOU ARE AWARE that I'm already living off the money that I PAID YOU BACK WITH. And I'm already halfway to having depleting it and having to move on to my own FEDERAL RESERVES that I've kept for rainy days.

Seriously, what's the point of having parents around when they don't exactly give you financial backing? Do I having to crawl to you and tug at your pants and spit out the words "Help me please, because I'm pretty much broke"? What's the point of having parents around when they don't offer advice to you? Seriously, the last time I ever remembered even having a heart to heart talk with my mom, 3 years ago I think. The last time I ever had a heart to heart talk with my dad, never. The only things I remember about my dad, are teaching me when I was in primary school, having dinner with hims on weekends, and all the bad stuff I've been told by my mom. Like, what the hell? If I didn't have parents, my current plight wouldn't be so bad. I would gladly accept it with open arms actually.

Pathetic.

2009-05-18T23:00:00.003+08:00

My thoughts on current affairs.

The conflict in Sri Lanka.

I wouldn't say I've been following the story closely. Maybe there're hidden factors that we do not catch wind of. From what I do know, negotiations fell out, therefore leading to conflict in the past. In an attempt to flush out the rebels, what the government did was to have military conflict. I'm wondering if amnesty was offered. Was there a better alternative to mindless bloodshed which involved civiallian casualty and deaths?

Would it not have been better if the rebels were given a chance? What were they fighting for? Their own state because they were stateless, no citizenship and no recognition in a nation that they resided in. But they lived like peasants simply because they belong to no country that they can call home. Was it fair for them to have fought for so long yet to only in the end perish in a fight they couldn't have possibly won? There appears to be no leeway on the governments part.

Things might have changed, if they were offered citizenship, and more recognition? What's more, the difference between the two ethnic groups, Tamils and Sinhalese caused a rift in terms of prioritization when it came to voting, education, housing and welfare. Even the language that's used locally is different. It was, learn the Sri Lanka language or face expulsion from your job. It was a do or don't do situation. When it comes down to this, I think any man would have rebelled against that sort of ruling. It's simply almost impossible for the average individual to pick up a completely different language and be fluent in it by 2-3 years under pressure. Personally, I would go against it as well.

As there were no hope for these individuals who have been unfairly treated, they turn to their most likelihood of hope. The LTTE. Despite being outnumbered and most likely out-equipped by their opposition. Formed from failed attempts at negotiations and peaceful protests. When negotiations fail, even when it is a verbal conversation between you and I, physical violence are most likely to ensue.

Would things have turned out differently, if amnesty was offered. And that, for an equal percentage of LTTE that surrendered, an equal percentage of Tamil's would be extradited to India and given citizenship? To begin with, fighting for their own state was their main cause, was it not? Because they were stateless.

Why is it that in retrospect to the Malayan Emergency in the 1948-1960, that nothing was learnt? It's saddening to know that, even with the study of History, unecessary bloodshed still exists today. For whatever reasons, ideals, beliefs, religion, or way of life, violence will continue to ensue and be part and partial in our lives.

Obviously the study of History has failed because documented events of violence, dictatorship, war and bloodshed still reoccur, and the cycle of History continues.

2009-05-08T23:25:00.002+08:00

Just what the hell are you trying to do?! Trying to get so close to him all of a sudden!? Stay away from him, stay away from us. You're in your own league now. You have no business with us. You undermined our family, and now you want to try to do what you should have done years ago. Despicable.

Everywhere I turn, I can't move. Because of these four walls. I can't see beyond the four walls either. Maybe I should have closed the window instead of letting it wide open.

2009-05-08T00:10:00.003+08:00

I've never cried this much over anyone. I've never cried this many times over anyone. I've never cried this many times within a month. I've never stayed up more awake at this time, unable to sleep this many times before.

But I've been given shorter amount of times to do things people would require a lot more time to do. Obviously, I've failed in successfully doing within a week, what people would take atleast 3 week to do successfully. I've never felt so doubted. I've never felt this much of a failure before.

I've never felt so helpless before. I've never felt so sorry before. I've never felt so alone before. I've never trembled so much before.

There's one more line I would like to add. But I can't add it here.

2009-05-05T22:17:00.002+08:00

I don't know why I'm so upset with speaking to any one of my own family members. I feel so frustrated even when my brother called. I don't know why. I didn't even wish my mother "Happy Birthday".

I think when I finish NS, I'm just going to drop everything behind, move out of the house, find a room to rent, get a job as a paralegal. Give myself about 5 years, before I get myself a flat and settle down. And no, I don't think I will further my studies to become a lawyer. I think I'll be satisfied with being a paralegal.

I know in the past, I was told not to discount myself because I'm capable of a lot more. But isn't that what's told to everyone? That was what I thought too. But when I realized that I could do more, it was a little too late. The motivation to even do more isn't there anymore. There's no more drive.

Honestly, with my family, I'm extrememly tired with whatever has been going on. It's a reality I cannot escape from. I feel like I'm hanging on with my teeth now. It's getting tiring to have to constantly pretend. I can't possibly keep this up forever.

Just 3 months ago, my life was blissful and normal. I thought it was the best thing in the world. That my brother actually wanted to do stuff around the house, and actually go out with us for dinner. I didn't know that all was about to be shattered with one conversation. After which I have to act my life out as if I didn't know anything at all. I wonder if they noticed, they more than half the time I'm couped up in my own room now. Sigh, my life has suddenly become an interim of acting.

2009-04-27T23:13:00.003+08:00

Seriously, I am sick and tired of the both of you. It's not like I didn't give you any advice. You had choices. But what did you pick? Really, do you think that that is the best for our family? We would not have a choice of under who's custody we would want. But you know I'd prefer to be under who's custody anyway. That was the past. As of right now, I'd rather be independent. Honestly, the both of you are fucked up. You're just as fucked up as he is. Do you know just how tiring it is for me having to pretend that I don't know? You could have made your own life less miserable, by being able to come to a closure. But no, you want to cling on to it, and pretend that your marriage is not on the rocks. Be realistic damn it. Your marriage is on the rocks. And there's nothing damn well that anyone except for him, can do anything about it. He is the cause, and he is the solution. Make him, or break him. You try to make him. And it's longer than enough already that it's obvious that things are not working out. Just when will it get to you? Honestly, if you want things to be so difficult on all knowing parties except for that bitch. so be it. I wish you didn't have to tell me. I wish I didn't put forth the underlying circumstances to know. I wish that I wasn't the son you both trust the most. I wish that I wasn't that filial to the both of you. Because it comes with a fucking price I can't afford. And with all due respect, if you both can't come to an amicable conclusion, I will make the both of you come to a amicable conclusion, whether either of you like or not. I really can't give a fuck as to why he has to commit adultery, and you having to cling on to him for no fucking reason. Because it's fucking obvious, he wasn't blackmailed anymore. He's tempted by money and sex. It's kind of fucking obvious. Even a secondary school kid who's mature enough will know that. Open your damned eyes and look. I am seriously sick and tired of this bloody charade where no one except for the both of them are benefitting. Are you seriously that fucking dumb?

2009-04-23T22:51:00.004+08:00

Hey asshole, you really think that you can keep this up don't you? You seriously think, that the world won't turn around, and give you a tight slap across your face that will hit home so hard, you won't be able to know the errors of your ways, don't you? I can't stand you. You are not a nuisance. You are a fucking threat to our family. Don't you know just how simply fucked up you are? I sincerely and genuinely hope, that the both of you, get caught in a car accident so bad, you will both have to be identified via DNA, and not VISUAL comfirmation. Do you understand the severity of your external commitment? I cannot fathom that you, of all people in this huge world, would commit such adultery. Fuck you, and your ideals, and you fucking woman. People like you, ought to be irradicated from the face of the Earth, all of you. Removed, not even a fucking trace. Your cult of personality shall be erased from the world. No one would know people like you existed. People like you should fucking die. Seriously. I don't think a car accident would suffice. Let me torture people like you, I will fucking enjoy it. Really, want to try my methods? I guarantee that you will stay awake throughout every single second, and register every ounce of pain and horror. I will guarantee this, I swear it. If you faint from it, I will ensure that you wake up from your lousy syncope and experience another round of terror. I will make good damn sure of this. And at the end of it, you will not be able to beg for death. I will make sure you ask for it, go for it, and subsequently see Death as an art and gift, not as a part of a journey you would fear so much.

2009-04-22T23:54:00.004+08:00

I guess you don't know, just before I left, how I felt. To me, it felt like exactly the two nights. Painful, insane, and just unbearable. I wonder if you know just how important you are to me. Even though I feel it's 2 months extended, and if it is really 2 months, I want to treasure every moment I have with you. Even if it's 5 years, or whatever time frame, I still want to treasure every moment I have with you.

2009-04-22T22:44:00.001+08:00

Within the minute. Phew. WhEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

2009-04-15T22:34:00.002+08:00

I've been abandoned for 1 night!! Just what I didn't want to happen. Oh well. Make the best out of things.

Just came back from the Walkman W series launch!! Wasn't exactly really mindblowing. But hey, it was fun while it lasted. The buffet was great!! And the acoustic rendition of Lady GaGa's Poker Face, sweeeeeeeeet. And Claire looked a lot like Janice. The 3 of us really can't help but draw that link. But Claire's a lot hotter than Janice. =X (I think I'm going to get whacked by a particular someone when she gets back in the morning later.)

Attention of the day? I guess it's when I came out from the shower, looking at 2 common Mynah's in my living room, have shit in some places, zipping across the hall, slamming into a few things here and there before I can let them out. Thank goodness they stayed away from my room.

I had no idea Li Rong has that kinda of history with someone from work. Or rather, I never knew so much happened. Hmmmm, makes me wonder.

Waiting patiently for you to come home safely.

2009-04-12T20:05:00.002+08:00

I guess it seems fine that you can take my chair from my room, and just pass it over to your brother without thought that I would want to use that chair when I get home. I guess that's perfectly fine. It's perfectly okay for you to do that. Perfectly okay. Really, it's perfectly okay. ugh, it is unthinkable for you to say that I think it's okay too, without consulting me. Even when you know, that I say it's okay, just so that I would give you face. Really, even your damn talkative sister-in-law knows that it's NOT okay. Really, do you have to be so accomodating all the time all the time?

2009-04-10T15:33:00.001+08:00

I lose myself in all these fights,
I lose my sense of wrong and right,
I cry, I cry.
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head,
I just wanna crawl into my bed,
I want to throw away the life I led,
But I won't let it die.

-It's Not Over, Secondhand Serenade.

2009-04-09T20:58:00.005+08:00

I am horribly upset with myself right now. And to make myself feel better, I guess it's best that I pen some particular things down somewhere else from now on.