Oh Boogie
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I guess one of the things that has hit me hard this year is the fact that I'm turning 20.
Do you for one moment think that, walking around, spending time with each other is simply something we do after school? And that is boring?
On a brighter note, those earphones sound really really really good to me. It's crisp, less held back, it has a sense of.. "freedom" to it. Not as restrained for the lack of a better word. Clear, better staging, I love almost every bit of it.
Sudden distance I feel. Maybe things have been adjusted before either of us knew it.
Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Where do I begin?
I'm exhausted. Goodness.
I have yet to do any of the things I have decided to do. Perhaps one of the earliest things I set out to accomplish but have been set back so many times would be photography. It's so far in the back burner that I've given up on getting a camera altogether. Time would be the biggest concern as well. My lack of actively looking out for angles has also contributed greatly to this.
I'm turning 20. One of the things I regret would be getting that pair of skinnies from Giodarno(did I spell that right? I don't think so). Seems like I'm not sliding into that pair of denims again. Don't really like it. On the other hand my other pair of jeans is getting all my attention.
I'm not running anymore. I'm turning 20 with a belly to boot. I shall not complain, because this is down to my own discipline. In that department, I'm severely in arrears.
Business Accounting 2 is going to be the main force that will set me back this semester. It's hard to grasp at the fact that the second year in polytechnic is coming to a close in about 5 weeks or so. Not something that I've been grappling well with. The dreams that anchored in my head have all seem to become just speech bubbles that no one else can see.
Regrets of not taking up a science course or going to JC, feels like it's unnecessary now. Just like a spare tyre that never gets used. Doesn't feel like it's going to push me any harder. Right now, I feel like I want to get into the field of practice. I want to be out there.
It feels surreal to wake up every morning and find out that I'm turning 20 this year. I'm turning 20 and I haven't done anything a wee bit meaningful for myself. The biggest achievement I'm actually trying to convince myself is an achievement was sitting on that plane that touched down in Cambodia 2 years ago. That's pathetic.
I'm turning 20. I find myself not wanting to wear the facade that I used to carry with me. I feel old. Yet in the eyes of others, I'm young with plenty of things to experience ahead of me.
I'm turning 20. In the blink of an eye, I'll be 21. So on so forth.
I can't wait.
To get through NS.
To get through University if I ever do go in that direction.
To get over this phase I'm going through now.
To get over this hectic little thing called Life.
Because I want to soak up everything along this wonderful journey called, Life.
This only hit me when I'm turning 20. Kind of late.
So farewell, and so long.
Do you for one moment think that, walking around, spending time with each other is simply something we do after school? And that is boring?
Sure, walking around is boring. That's when we don't have time.
Even if we had the time, we'd still be walking around. Or going to my place.
Is it my fault that I have an obligation to my uncle? To fulfill that, I work at his place.
I didn't ask for this independence that was forced upon me when I grew the age of 14. I didn't ask for it. Most would want it. But after a while, you lose out on a lot of things that others have. Social life.
Personally, I don't think it's fair to me. That I don't really have money, or have time for myself. I don't think it's fair to my girlfriend that I don't have time nor money for her either. I didn't ask for this.
I'm not the type to crawl to my mother and ask for money. Never will I be like that.
I refuse to ask or let myself depend on others. I hate that feeling. I love this feeling of being financially independent. Speaking from a vantage point which I've stood at for 5 years and running, this vista is beautiful, and I don't want to let go of it. It's the sweetest picture there is and I know it's going to get better.
That's how I would describe as being financially independent.
Maybe I shouldn't make plans as to what I want us to do. That'd just give you expectations. Not making plans shows that I'm not exactly competent.
But because of circumstances that happen along the way. I cannot continue with those plans. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot.
Some people, just don't understand that. I can't take that.
I can't take people coming to me and tell me, "we said we'd do this on that other day, but we didn't."
Did you try looking at my current situation and see why I couldn't have us carry that out that other day? I would love to salvage my current situation, but I'm not allowed to. It's ironic, I know, but I can't. It simply isn't within my control.
But yes, I'm not going to work next month. Then I would have time to spend with someone next month on the weekends. With that, I would also have money I earned this month to spend next month. But after removing whatever amount I have to cover for this month. I don't think I have a lot of spend anyway.
But why the hell not right? To drive a fucking point to someone. Why not. Worth suffering for about 2 months anyway, from February onwards.
On a brighter note, those earphones sound really really really good to me. It's crisp, less held back, it has a sense of.. "freedom" to it. Not as restrained for the lack of a better word. Clear, better staging, I love almost every bit of it.
The earphones itself feel lighter too. Comfort, I guess I'll have to let it sit around for awhile. That was just mid range, I wonder what that extra 30 dollars will get for me. Lesser sibilance? Better highs? Lows that feel solid? More range? More depth? I can't get the feel of the sound out of my head. It's just natural. It feels right. I love the signature of it.
The EX500 is good. But for the same price, there's something better. Top up another 9 dollars...and there's the high end one I haven't tried. It's so tempting. So so tempting.
Sudden distance I feel. Maybe things have been adjusted before either of us knew it.
Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Where do I begin?
I too, have grown accustomed to your presence. It's warm, comforting, and perhaps if this were in a time where gender inequality was prominent-a great sense of security.
Then again, most likely too accustomed. Enough to be beyond a point where it's more than just a comfort zone. Your absence will draw forth a void in my life that cannot be filled by someone else. As which someone else has done. I dare not say that this void left behind has been filled. However, I will say and point out that the void has done it's damage, and it's been forsaken for the purposes of greater goodness in my journey in this world. Having another sudden, quick implosion would simply not do anyone any good.
While some would say that the solution would be to not let this blessing of mine slip from my grasp. I would have to say that, I'm truly self-destructive. Time and time again, it was simply a nudge and most would have been lost. Too much would have been in shambles, and time I would say is no longer abundant. Despite being what most would call young, I think I've reached a point where I know that time cannot be bought. Do please try not to misunderstand. I'm not mature enough. I simply perceive the value of time, differently from what others would.
Who would wish that they spent two years of their lives trying to reach a synergy with someone else, only to realise at the end of it all that the effort required is too demanding. So much that giving up would be more economical than to continue. Perhaps the law of diminishing return has its chains reach here, the shores of relationships too?
Definitely it's been one too many times, I've let my temperamental self get the better side of me. I've only myself to blame. Sometimes I let myself focus on something else that other things simply become an irritant. Other times it can be a simple lack of sleep that becomes a blade against my favour.
However, I am truly apologetic that my lack of sleep has gripped my senses more firmly than my mind can. While others might see it as an excuse that the lack of sleep should be the lame reason to carry my emotions. Is it not the human nature to be a little more sensitive when one has a lack of rest? Even medical doctors recognise this little side effect.
I guess it's a matter of having that little bit of control and sensibility before saying something. Maybe it makes us more human to have that extra bit.
Isn't it human too to be unable to have that control?
Maybe if we can't accept that. Maybe we need a paradigm shift in the relationship. A major, drastic shift where the distance between us, should be readjusted.
I'm exhausted. Goodness.
Going to flash my phone. This sucks. If only I knew of the damn problem earlier. I wouldn't have to go through so much trouble to get it back to stock firmware. Bloody hell. It'll be seriously fucked up if I brick the damn thing. Oh well..this is crap.
It's just been so crappy. Sigh.